Elder Care – December 2024

There is always a flurry of activity during the holidays. My sisters and I are striving to make the activities we do with my dad enjoyable for him – rather than confusing/traumatic which can happen when a person does not understand the world as well as they did previously.

My sisters decorated his room for fall/Thanksgiving. I’m not sure how much he noticed because he didn’t comment about them. But they were decorations from his home before before he moved to assisted living. We all felt that continuing with the decorations was better than stopping the tradition.

He seemed to enjoy a Thanksgiving feast at my sister’s home. Another sister brought him from the assisted living place, there were only 4 other people for the feast, the meal was simpler than our Thanksgiving meals from the past (fewer choices), and he was back ‘home’ in about 3 hours.  I celebrated that the thoughtful accommodations seemed to work!

Now his room has been decorated from Christmas and a version of the display that was on the mantle of his home in previous years in on the mantle at the assisted living home where all the residents can enjoy it. Even if he doesn’t remember it from before – I hope that he enjoys the beauty of it now.

There are some rooms that have become available at the assisted living home; my sisters and I briefly talked about whether we want to move him to a different room – either slightly bigger or with a window with a better view; we decided it was not a good idea. It would be hard for him to adjust to the move …remembering where his new room was located would be challenging for him. He seems to feel secure and comfortable where he is now and knows where his room is from the shared areas of the house.

I’ll see him after Christmas this month!

Sustaining Elder Care – November 2024

I have two book/puzzle sorting days at my community library before I go off to Dallas again…I am hoping to find some more 300-piece puzzles to take for my Dad. I think he is probably running a bit low and maybe my sister is bringing some older ones back that he hasn’t done recently. We don’t have as many 300-piece as we do 500…and those 500-piece ones are getting too hard for him.

The past month has been more stressful in terms of elder care than I anticipated. There is a disagreement between us daughters about whether he is having pain when he eats and he needs his food ground up. Observations of him eating are not consistent. We have asked the dentist he saw last to make an assessment….since to make the change in mealtime routine for the assisted living staff will require a doctor’s order.  On the plus side – I don’t think my dad is aware of the turmoil. Most of the interaction among my sisters and I is via text; I’ve stopped looking at the messages about an hour before bedtime to try to reduce the impact on my sleep. It’s also caused me to start thinking more about what I want my relationship with my sisters to be separate from our shared interest in our father’s well-being.

Sustaining Eldercare – October 2024

A big worry in any group living situation with older people – something contagious going around - seemed to be happening in late September. Dad developed upper respiratory congestion and was not feeling well at all; the medication his doctor prescribed made his balance even more precarious but appeared to help him otherwise. No one else in the assisted living residence had it so it might have been a seasonal allergy flare up. He is the only resident that goes outdoors on a regular basis – for his walks around the block and to help water plants around the patio. He is back to normal at this point and the family is very relieved.

We are continuing to enjoy jigsaw puzzles with him. There are some clues that don’t work for him anymore – like tiny writing on a puzzle piece; his eyesight is not good enough to read the words.

One of my sisters took a closer look at his toothbrush and electric shaver recently. The toothbrush needs to be replaced, and the electric shaver looked as if it hadn’t been cleaned for a long time. Since both of those things are items we need to provide for him, we should have been monitoring them more closely. We are good about the things we do for him daily (like putting out clothes for the next day) but probably need a list of things we check periodically (like the toothbrush and electric shaver)! The other toiletries – like toothpaste and lotion and soap – were already on our radar and there are extras of those things already available under the sink of his bathroom.

He has been living in the assisted living residence for 10 months now. My sisters and I are still tweaking how we best support him…some is just to be expected since we want to be responsive as his needs change, but other tweaks are discoveries for us of things we should have been doing proactively all along (like checking the toothbrush and the electric razor).

Sustaining Elder Care – September 2024

The past month has been challenging with one sister still traveling and another exposed to COVID (disrupting her visits to my dad). We have still sustained our goal for someone in the family to see him every day.

He is changing a bit too…often wanting to go to bed much earlier than usual. That compresses the time for us to have a good visit with him. Sometimes he will get up when one of us arrives and work on the puzzle or go for a walk if it is still light outside. It helps that the weather is not quite as hot as it was in August.

I found 9 puzzles at a used book/puzzle sale done by the Springfield MO libraries and my sister that it traveling has purchased puzzles at some of the places she visited. One of the ones I found might be kept until closer to Christmas rather than leaving it for him to do now.

The staff at his assisted living home has encouraged us to proactively reduce the clutter in his room so his day-to-day activities are less confusing to him. We’ve cleared surfaces by putting some things in enclosed storage areas and reduced the numbers of linens (he had more than double what he needed!). We took away shoes and clothes that he doesn’t wear any more. We tried to transition him from jeans to pull-on type pants and discovered that he wants to stay with the jeans!

His medical team which makes house calls for his checkups has done bloodwork, and he is in good health. But he is over 90 and some days he feels better than others.

One of my sisters is looking for ways to use his television screen to provide visually interesting slideshows; he is not interested in watching television shows or the news anymore. Hopefully we can do some experimenting over the next month to see if we can develop another activity he can enjoy.

Ten Little Celebrations – August 2024

The heat of summer is still with us…but there are signs of fall too. Lots to celebrate in August.

Road trip adventures that didn’t become problems. In the first hour of my road trip to Dallas I saw a skunk and an overturned semi-truck. The skunk abled away from the road (i.e. did not become roadkill) and the semi was on the oposite side of the highway!

Finding puzzles. Keeping the supply of puzzles coming for my dad at his assisted living home is a little more challenging since he requires ones with 500 or fewer pieces…and they can’t be small pieces. I was celebrated a couple for a reasonable price and the used book/puzzles sale from Friends of the Library is coming up in a few days where I should be able to get a good supply for $2 each.

A cooler than expected morning in Dallas. My dad likes to take walks in the neighborhood where he lives so I celebrated the morning when I was there was cool enough for the activity (it didn’t start raining until a couple of hours later when I was starting the drive back to Missouri).

Getting the whole yard mowed. I am celebrating that my stamina has improved enough that I can mow the whole yard on one day (my husband made it a little easier by buying an extra battery so I’m more confident of having enough power for the mower even if the grass is a little wet).

A rainy day. It’s been a drier August than usual. I celebrated when I heard it raining in the early morning hours.

Starting the stepping stone path in the new garden area. The narrow grassy area between a pine tree and our flower beds that I am converting to other plants is progressing well this summer. It is currently a compost area for grass clippings, pine needles, and leaves. The hostas that I planted last spring in the area are doing well. I celebrated the milestone of putting done the first two stepping stones that will lead from the patio to the yard through the area.

No tax day for school supplies/clothes. Both my husband and I intentionally made some purchases on Missouri’s no tax weekend for school supplies/clothes…celebrating the annual starting of a new school year. He got 2 pair of jeans and I got some packs of card stock: black and bright colors.

Registering/starting a class at the university. I am celebrating being back in a university classroom after more than 40 years. It feels good!

Multiple types of fungus on a stump in a neighbor’s yard. The stump is deterioating rapidly now. I’m celebrating that there are interesting fungi doing the work.

The Paris Olympics. Celebrating the efforts and sportsmanship of the athletics…seeing their dedication and joy.

Sustaining Elder Care – August 2024

One of my sisters is taking an extended road trip this month, so the 3 of us still around are adjusting so that one of use sees my dad every day. The real crunch will come later this month when another sister will be out of town for a week. It’s a good thing the assisted living home seems relatively calm at this point and dad is getting morning walks, puzzle time, and eating as well as usual.

He likes puzzles with fewer pieces now (up to 500…rarely one with 1000 if there are a lot of clues in the puzzle and the pieces are not too small). I had one puzzle that I took during my first visit this month and there will be an opportunity to buy used puzzles before I go later in the month. We are also starting through some of the puzzles he did months ago; his memory is such that he doesn’t remember them from before…they are a good challenge all over again.

His doctor has taken him off all the supplements he had been taking for years because they were causing him digestive problems. It was more difficult for him to swallow them now too. He gets the equivalent of a multivitamin as a liquid (purchased in powder form and taken mixed with water); he is feeling much better after the change.

Another change that is occurring – he appears to have developed ingrown toenails for the first time in his life. Fortunately, the assisted living has a podiatrist that comes periodically. We are scurrying to buy some open toed shoes for the day after the ingrown toenails are resolved.

The plants one of my sisters planted around the back porch area of the house had required daily watering – which we were all doing as part of our visit with dad – but the house sprinkler system has been fixed and we only need to water on days that it doesn’t run now.

We are beginning to feel that we have a routine that works for us and my dad (and the staff at the assisted living home) although we are very conscious that the routine will need to be tweaked as his needs change.

Road Trip to Dallas

After my stop at Wildcat Glades/Shoal Creek Nature Center, my drive to Dallas followed the usual pattern. I saw at least one Great Blue Heron in flight as well as groups of vultures soaring. There was the occasional hawk. This time of year, there could be scissortail fly catchers too. Frequently there are small birds chasing as larger bird (maybe a nest robber?). My stops through Oklahoma were at Big Cabin, Muskogee, and Atoka. I bought gas in Oklahoma since I’ve realized the gas tax is lower in Oklahoma that it is in Texas and Missouri.

As usual, I stopped at the Welcome Center on  US 75 as it enters Texas from Oklahoma. This time there was a gardener hard at work in the wildflower areas…weeds and grass had already been cleared. Cone flowers were among the first flowers I saw.

There were plenty of blooms. I always look for the beautyberry flowers; they are small…requiring a good look among the leaves.

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Most of the bluebonnets have gone to seed and the pods are empty. The dried pods almost look like flowers! I found one stand of bluebonnets that were much later blooming; it was nice to have the contrast.

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I ate a picnic lunch at the welcome center before I drove the final hour of the trip to my dad’s assisted living home.

The next morning I left the hotel about 8 for a second visit with my dad; I noticed a feather on the ground as I walked to my car. It must have been shed recently since it was in good shape. Noticing snippets of the natural world brighten my mood; perhaps it is because they remind me that life is resilient and beautiful at the same time.

After visiting with my dad while he ate breakfast and we worked on a puzzle, my sister and I loaded up 7 pots of plants I was ferrying to my daughter, and I started the drive home about 11ish. It was somehow a light traffic day – an easy drive although it still took me almost 7 hours.

Sustaining Elder Care – June 2024

A lot had happened over the past month.

A resident of the assisted living home came down with a respiratory infection but was getting better; then another one became sick and spent a few days in the hospital before returning. My dad didn’t get sick at all. The episode caused an uptick in anxiety for my sisters and I for a few days.  

One of my sisters was going to cut his toenails and discovered two small wounds on his leg. He didn’t remember how he’d gotten them and there was no incident reported by the staff. Fortunately, they were not infected and appeared to be healing.

With the staff turnover, we have realized that his medications are not being given as consistently as we assumed. One of my sisters reviewed the meds with a staff member and discovered that the supply of some supplements had be depleted and no one had told us more needed to be purchased! Most of what he takes are supplements, but now we are concerned about whether he has been getting his few prescription drugs reliably since his ophthalmologist discovered he had a small stroke near one of his optic nerves and can only see light and colors in that eye now; we will always wonder whether the assisted living staffers were giving him the eye drops prescribed to lower the pressure in his eyes.  

My dad complained of his front teeth hurting; we have known for some time that his lower teeth were loose and that there was not enough bone or other teeth to do any kind of restoration. The decision had been made to cut up his food and train him to avoid using those front teeth. But that was before they started hurting. My sister that handles most of his medical appointments contacted the doctor that comes to the assisted living home for most of his medical needs and discovered that they there is a dentist in their practice! Within a few days, the dentist came, got updated x-rays, and pulled two lower teeth! Both were not in much bone and were relatively easy to pull. Now the staff really will have to pay more attention and cut up his food consistently; even though the requirement has been in their document for him since January, they seem to lapse into serving him food that he can’t eat with the teeth he has (or rather doesn’t have).

The only doctor he leaves the assisted living home to see is a dermatologist; a small skin cancer was removed this month. The visits are quite tiring for him…being in the car, waiting for the doctor…the procedure itself is very short. My sisters and I anticipate a time when he won’t be able to withstand that kind of medical appointment.

He is still doing puzzles – enjoying the shared project with anyone visiting him. He is joyous every time one is finished.

The flower beds at the assisted living home contain some of the plants from his previous home…planted by one of my sisters. They are doing well however, she is frustrated that one of the beds that she hasn’t work on, is full of Virginia Creeper; she is too allergic to do anything that bed.

The weather in Dallas has gotten hot enough that walking in the afternoon with Dad might not be a good idea. We all try to take him for neighborhood walks whenever the weather is cool enough. The walks will probably be more and more skewed to the mornings.

Dad seems to be adjusting to the upheavals well enough. He is more resilient that any of us anticipated.

Previous Elder Care posts

Sustaining Elder Care – May 2024

Since my last ‘sustaining elder care’ post, I have been to Dallas twice and am acknowledging that maybe my plan to drive down once a month is not going to work. Two times a month is becoming my more realistic plan.

Now that the days are longer, I can visit in the afternoon on the day I drive down and again in the morning before I drive back to Missouri. My dad is the only morning person in his assisted living group home so visiting him in the morning is prime one-on-one time. He frequently has a ‘first breakfast’ before anyone else is awake (about the time I arrive) and then eats again with everyone else. Between the two light meals we can take a walk around the block or maybe further if his stamina increases; in the summer, the morning walk might be his only walk of the day.

One of the challenges right now is that my dad tends to lose track of his reading glasses (he needs them to work on puzzles). My sister has brought a supply but hopefully some of them will show up again. While we were working on the puzzle during my morning visit, he did it without glasses! He seemed to enjoy the challenge of working from the shape of the piece entirely – and he was successful plenty of times.

I bought 10 more puzzles at the $3/bag day at my Missouri library’s used books (and puzzles) sale. What a bargain! One of them was a duplicate but it still was a good deal! We started the beach and lighthouse puzzle in the upper left corner of the picture below during my first visit in May.

There has been some upheaval at the assisted living home – the lead staff member being reassigned to another home and some leadership being rotated in from other homes – the company searching for a permanent replacement. There is also a new resident in a room near my dad’s. So far, he seems to be unperturbed by the changes, but my sisters and I are thinking more about what our plan would be if something went very wrong at the home where he is.

Previous Elder Care posts

Sustaining Elder Care – April 2024

2-day trips to Dallas have become the norm for me. I leave early from home, visit my dad immediately after I get to Dallas in the early afternoon and take care of any other business thereafter…then stay in a hotel overnight and drive home the next day. Now that the days are getting longer, perhaps I might visit him a second time in the morning before I head home although the assisted living group home is not ‘early.’ I probably would not want to arrive for a visit before 10 AM.

Dad still enjoys going out to eat and we are exploring more places nearby.

The warmer weather is great for walks. We have discovered that he does better with a four-wheeled walker than the two-wheeled one. The rough pavement makes it very hard to use the two-wheeled one. His balance is much improved holding onto the four-wheeled walker and he walks at a pace that is more like the way he walked prior to using a walker.

He has decided that 500 pieces puzzles are usually too hard…and he wants bigger pieces. I got 10 puzzles for $20 at the library’s used books (and puzzles) sale; knowing what they have is one of the benefits of volunteering for setup. Most of the puzzles I got have 300 pieces and I am hopefull my dad and others at the group home will enjoy putting them together. I picked ones with bright colors too – although that wasn’t a requirement from my dad.

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One of my sisters and her husband took my dad to her home to see the eclipse on the 8th. Unfortunately, he didn’t understand what was happening and kept asking where he was. It was a learning experience for our family – we will continue to enjoy taking him out to lunch occasionally but be very careful not to overwhelm him with more complex events away from his assisted living home.

I had thought I would be able to get down to one visit per month…but so far that hasn’t happened.

Previous Elder Care posts

Sustaining Elder Care – March 2024

A recap: My sisters and I started our journey ramping up elder care back in November. At first we thought we were being proactive in our conversation about ‘next steps’ with my parents’ doctor….but, less than a week later, my mother was critically ill and in the hospital. I spent the next 7 weeks in Texas. My mother managed to recover enough to come home before Thanksgiving even though she needed a lot of support at home. We hired caregivers to assist her at night through December and moved my parents to an assisted living group home just before the new year. As we worked to get them settled into the assisted living routine, we started a surge of effort to get their house cleared and on the market; the sale was finalized at the end of February. Both parents responded favorably to assisted living and decided they wanted to go out to eat occasionally rather than having special meals via take out as we had done for them at their house. In mid-February, they became sick with COVID…my dad first; he got Paxlovid and was recovering. My mother tested positive a few days later; her doctor adjusted her meds and she got Paxlovid; at first her case seemed even less symptomatic than my dad’s; the staff at the group home thought her breathing was wheezy one afternoon (even though my mother did not think she was having breathing problems) and sent her to the hospital via ambulance; she died 2 hours later.

The last few weeks have been busy ones. We reconfigured my dad’s living space from two rooms down to one and are in the process adjusting the assets my mom and dad accumulated to support his long-term care. As I write this, I realize that we have already settled into a ‘sustaining’ rather than ‘ramping up’ mind set. It isn’t that we won’t evolve what we do based on my dad’s needs…but we have a framework that will stay the same: the assisted living group home…daily visits from family….out to eat several times a month…walking in the neighborhood when the weather is good. Right now, he is still adjusting to not having mom around all the time; she was there for him for over 71 years. We are grateful to the staff of the assisted living for their increased attention. He still has times when he looks lonely…but he is talking more than he did when mom was around to talk for him.

Going forward, my trips to Texas will be quick ones – drive down and visit with dad in the afternoon before I head to my hotel, drive home the next day. Sometimes I will visit with dad in the morning before I drive back. I have done 2 of these trips so far in March. My sisters are there more frequently because they live closer than I do – one is there almost every day, another comes 2-3 times per week, another once or twice a week. Along with taking him out to eat, we put out his clothes for the next day, work on a puzzle with him, accompany him on a walk, help him find something that he lost (his wallet with his id and he glasses tend to go missing).

My sisters and I have had conversations about how much we have accomplished in the past few months – having to adjust very rapidly. We are not exactly relaxed at this point, but the stress level is dramatically lower!

Previous posts: November 2023, November 2023 update, December 2023, January 2024, February 2024, March 2024 (1)

Ramping up Elder Care – March 2024 (1)

A lot has happened in the last few weeks, so I am going to write 2 ‘ramping up elder care’ posts in March. In my mid-February post, I wrote “Are we through the bend…or is more to come before we settle into the new normal?” We were already getting accustomed to my parents’ house being sold…but we were also anxious with my dad testing positive for COVID. My mother tested positive a few days after he did….and died suddenly  few days later after being in the hospital for about 2 hours. So - the bend in my family’s collective life path is continuing into March.

My mother’s funeral was on the 1st. Dad was pleased with his appearance for the funeral; one of the assisted living staff helped him get into his suit (which he had not worn for a few years --- the last time was to a granddaughter’s wedding)…found another shirt so the neck would button and he could wear a tie! My sisters and I alternated being with him during the visitation and service. He seemed to enjoy my slide-by-slide narration of the pictures of Mother’s life from a young child to a few days before she died at 92. He also liked the limo. He did not like seeing Mother in the casket…thought it didn’t look like her even though he acknowledged that it was. He looked a few times then seemed to prefer watching the slideshow.

 My dad is grieving but very engaged with the reconfiguration of his living area at the assisted living group home. We started setting expectations a few days before the funeral so he would not be surprised when the furniture moves started to happen and it helped him internalize that mother was not coming back. The bed my mother has been using was one provided by the assisted living home and it was removed while we were at the funeral. We were all relieved that he didn’t seem traumatized that it was gone.   He is talking more than usual (he previously has always deferred to mother) ….and is more opinionated about how he would like things arranged. My sisters and I are spending more time with him, and the staff is very helpful. The staff has figured out that a small serving of ice cream is a great treat for him…and smooths out rough emotional times. So far – he seems to be surprising us with how well he is navigating his ‘new normal’ without his partner for over 71 years.

My dad’s reactions have been so positive that my sisters and I have already cleared away most of my mother’s belongings. It was a good time for us to talk to each other and him….noting some of the clothes she had worn for years…and others that were almost new…and trying out ideas for where furniture would be moved.

I don’t know for sure that we are at a new normal yet. We are with him more than usual…just to be sure he is OK. So far…he seems to be.

A few last pictures from my parents back yard the day before we closed on the 28th:

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One of the neighbors asked the new owner if he could cut the narcissus and daffodil flowers from the yard to bring to the funeral….and the new owner said yes!

One of the neighbors asked the new owner if he could cut the narcissus and daffodil flowers from the yard to bring to the funeral….and the new owner said yes!

Previous posts: November 2023, November 2023 update, December 2023, January 2024, February 2024

Ramping up Elder Care – February 2024

My parents have rediscovered the joy of going out to a restaurant for a meal. The weekday late lunchtime seems to work best (i.e. not crowded). It is quite a production: two elderly people with walkers…and two (or three) others with them. One of my sisters bought a small refrigerator for their room and they relish being able to put their leftovers there (and seem to prefer eating them for their next meal!). This is probably something I will try to do with them every time I visit. There are a lot of restaurants near the assisted living group home to experience.

Sometimes major bends in our life path are only recognized in retrospect; the events of January and February 2024 are a bend everyone in my family anticipated and acknowledges in real time. My sisters and I are acclimating to others providing the day to day care of our parents with their move to an assisted living home and the family has lost a long term hub for family events with the selling of their house.

• My parents moved to an assisted living group home at the end of 2023. They’ve settled into their new environment. My mother is improving; maybe it is simply a trend that started back in December, but it could also be the increased social interactions and her confidence that someone is always available to help. It is still challenging for my sisters and I to back away and not jump to assist them when we visit. The staff is helpful and patient with everyone! My dad is about the same although he was very disoriented at first; he is eating well.

• My sisters and I began to clean out my parents’ house soon after we moved them. They had lived in the house for over 30 years. There was a lot to go through. I made two short (less than a week) trips to Carrollton to help. During January we cleared most of the house by

  • Distributing furniture to family members or selling it or marking it for donation. I took two small tables, and my daughter took a larger octagon table for her office.

  • Donating clothes. There was very little that someone else in the family could wear. The closets in their assisted living rooms are filled to the brim with clothes that they wear.

  • Following the ‘bequeath’ list for decorative and kitchen items. I got 2 items from their 50th anniversary (one passed down from my maternal grandparents’ 50th), 1 from my parents’ 25th  anniversary, items that I remember from my childhood (a knife, fork and spoon of the silver plate my mother bought before she married; a orange cut glass bowl that I bought as a present to my Mother because it was her favorite color), 2 paintings my mother made (one of a dogwood blossom…and the pressed flower that I sent to her in 1984 from my Virginia house that she used as her model), the remnants of my maternal grandmother’s China….too many things to name although I am realizing that I should make a list for myself.

• The house went on the market on February 1st and we accepted a full-price offer on the 2nd. Closing was requested for 2/28. February became a sprint to clear out the two sheds on the property and donate the furniture that no one in the family wanted. I made a very focused trip to help.

  • Salvation Army came with a truck to get furniture and boxes of books. It was tricky since the city had the street in front of the house torn up (infrastructure update project). The truck managed the pickup from the alley.

  • Tools were mostly distributed to the sister that wanted them. Some were tools from my paternal grandfather.  My daughter got a telescoping tree trimmer (she has the bigger trees…but I can borrow it when I need it).

  • The trash and recycle bins were full for every pickup and some items were put at the curb in front of a neighbor’s house for bulk pickup.

  • Some odds and ends were taken to be repurposed. I got some white vertical blinds (not attached to anything…just loose pieces of blind) which I plan to cover with Zentangle patterns and hang (not sure where yet). There were three small pieces of Masonite that I got for another Zentangle project. Some pieces of wood were taken by my sisters for art projects and specific repairs at their house.

  • One sister is having the king headboard (purchased in 1963…beautiful wood) made into a display case. She also took the antique meat grinder that we found in one of the sheds.

  • Another sister is taking most of the yard equipment to distribute to her family’s houses so that it will be easier for her to do yard maintenance.

Are we through the bend….or is more to come before we settle into a new normal? As I write this my dad has tested positive for COVID-19. The symptoms were mild and initially attributed to some new eye drops. He was tested after one of my sisters that visits frequently tested positive. He is getting Paxlovid. This is the first experience with COVID for him and my mother; they are both vaccinated. Hopefully this will be a minor blip and we’ll achieve a new normal in March.

Previous posts: November 2023, November 2023 update, December 2023, January 2024

My Parents’ House

Once the decision was made in mid-December with my parents to move to an assisted living group home, I found myself examining the house that that had called home for more than 30 years – the last home they would own…the only one that didn’t still have a mortgage when they moved. The contents documented the whole of their lives.

The creation of the garden room not long after they moved into the house was a project that added more than space to the house.

The space was lined with house plants (some that had grown quite large) and had great light. The jigsaw puzzle table was there…a rocker and glide…and a transport chair that was easily maneuvered into a sunny spot to observe birds outside at the feeder or read the paper. The glide, puzzle table, and transport chair were moved to the assisted living group home.

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The large plant in the foreground of the picture with the transport chair is one that grew up into the skylight of the garden room over the decades. My sister had brought it home from her work when an office closed. It bloomed in December (something it had done rarely over the years)…to the joy of my parents and the whole family. My sister has now managed to move it (in a U-Haul truck) to her house about an hour away; we were all relieved that it survived the trek intact.

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A clay pot that another sister made was in the corner of my parents bedroom holding a collection of peacock feathers and dried seed pod/flowers….a suncatcher. My mother selected it as something to move with her – perhaps because of the memories of each item and the vase itself. Peacock feathers are special in my family because my maternal grandparents kept peacocks in their later years.

Back in the garden room a small poinsettia purchased recently sat on the windowsill. The second image is my favorite artsy image of December 2023! The pot was small enough for the windowsill at the assisted living group home so it moved with my parents.

We are now in the phase of sifted though everything in the house….taking a little more to my parents, distributing items to family members and my parents’ friends, donating some items….recycling and trash are the last resort. There are ups and downs to the work. It is giving us time to internalize the pivot point in my parents’ lives (and our own).

Ramping up Elder Care – January 2024

A lot has happened since I wrote the December chapter of ‘Ramping up Elder Care.’ The assisted living group home we initially found ended up not having space…so we looked at several others and settled on one that was probably better than the one we found in their neighborhood in every way but the location. When we took our parents to see their new home the day before the move, one was optimistic…the other one was silent but attentive.

The focused activity was intense to get them moved just before the end of 2023. Our strategy to have a night time caregiver in their home during December and then move them to assisted living worked….but it was more challenging that we anticipated.

• The nightly caregivers were not consistent; we had over 5 people that handled the overnight shift during the month. Almost all of them slept for part of the night. One was very talkative. One was not very helpful. One got sick and had to leave early.

• We opted to have two rooms for them in the assisted living group home – one for sleeping and the other for a private living room. It seems to be working well – better than having one larger room. There are 6 other people living in the assisted living group home.

• Our parents had a lot of clothes that had accumulated over the years. Some no longer fit but one of them insisted that most were moved to assisted living.

• There were a lot of toiletries. We opted to not take any that had dust on them! It was a harder than expected job to pack up what they would need.

• My dad had to transition from a safety razor to an electric….which he hated.

• My mother only began to stabilize on her meds toward the end of the month. For a few days we thought we might have to continue to give her two of her medications rather than transitioning those medications to the assisted living facility staff but it stabilized just before the big move. Physically, she made progress with the help of an excellent occupational therapist and the suggestion from a physical therapist to try massage boots for the edema in her feet and lower legs (OK’d by her vascular surgeon)

• We celebrated their 71st wedding anniversary with special visits from family members and great food for the whole week before the move. It was joyous…but also stressful to get the visits scheduled at good times for everyone and to eat all the excellent leftovers!

• One sister handled financies, another handled medical transition, another focused on evaluating what would need to be done with the contents of the house and sheds; I focused on my parents’ needs since I was in the house with them those last few weeks. Everyone helped pack up what needed to go on moving day….and it was still chaotic and stressful.

• In retrospect…moving on the Friday before a holiday weekend was not the best decision because the staffing at the assisted living was reduced over the weekend and they had no time to learn to supply thickened liquids required by one of our parents (so we ended up supplying them for the weekend).

And now, as I write this, I am home in Missouri….monitoring via the cameras we’ve installed in their rooms at the assisted living but otherwise trying not to interfere as they get acclimated to their new surroundings.

The next stage is getting their house ready to sell. I’ll be back in Carrollton in mid-January for that project; hopefully I’ll be rested and ready to work by then! And my parents will be adjusted to the big move from their home to the assisted living group home.

Previous posts: November 2023, November 2023 update, December 2023

Ten Little Celebrations – December 2023

December has been one of the most unusual (and stressful) of my life. Along with all the upheaval – there were still little celebrations to notice and savor.

Completion of a construction project. Big machinery digging in the street/sidewalk, the alleyway, and backyard of my parents house. The city was replacing an old sewer pipe. It was interesting to watch…although there were a few anxious moments too. We all celebrated when they finished within the 3 days they’d estimated for the project!

A warm day to mow the leaves. The leaves didn’t really begin to fall in Carrollton TX until December. We celebrated a warm day to mow them into the yard.

Crystalized ginger, big peppermint sticks. I savored special foods from the past that I haven’t eaten as much in recent years. I bought the crystalized ginger and a sister provided 6 of the big barber pole peppermint sticks. I started the celebration of my birthday early!

Red velvet cake. When I was growing up, my usual birthday cake was red velvet cake – made by my mother. This year one of sisters and her husband discovered a diner that had an excellent version of the cake – and bought me two pieces – which I enjoyed 2 days in a row prior to the actual birthday!

A break. My other sister came to make lunch for my parents and I took a break away from my parents’ house. I went to a small café for brunch and they had a special: birthday pancakes! I opted to get that special (another early birthday celebration) and thoroughly enjoyed it. Then I walked (and took pictures of birds) around Josey Ranch.

December celebrations. My birthday is just one of the normal December celebrations in my family. There is also my parents’ anniversary (their 71st) and Christmas! It’s always a hectic month…full of family visits.

Good sleep. I usually sleep well but it has not been as consistent this month….so I celebrated a particularly good night!

Fall foliage of crape myrtles. I’d never noticed crape mytles in the fall before. At my parents the conditions must have been just right for them to turn from green and hold their leaves this year. I celebrated how great they looked with the leaves and seed pods.  

Finding assisted living. Change is hard. We had moments of discovery and panic…celebrated finding an assisted living group home for my parents and then realizing that the details required another burst of energy. As I write this we are all celebrating how much we have accomplished with our combined efforts.

Daughter arriving. My daughter came for my birthday and the anniversary. She took me out for Ethiopian food to celebrate my birthday!

December 2023….what a cresendo for the year!

Ramping up Elder Care – December 2024

My parent came home from the hospital the Wednesday before Thanksgiving...still requiring a lot of care at night which fell to me since I was staying in their house. Both me and my sister remained almost as sleep deprived as when we were alternating 24-hour stints at the hospital! We quickly realized that the strategy that had worked for the caring of our 90+ year old parents over the past few years was not going to work going forward…and the ‘new normal’ we had scrambled to established could not be sustained.

Even sleep deprived – I acknowledged there were magical moments and the joy of not being in the hospital anymore. I appreciated little things like the gentle glow of warm-colored night lights and the full moon shining through a skylight…and every bit of fractured sleep I could get.

Even sleep deprived – I acknowledged there were magical moments and the joy of not being in the hospital anymore. I appreciated little things like the gentle glow of warm-colored night lights and the full moon shining through a skylight…and every bit of fractured sleep I could get.

Before the hospitalization I had made appointments to interview companies that provide in-home caregivers and to visit an assisted living group home. We managed to keep those appointments and decided to contract for a caregiver at night for the month of December; that relieved our sleep deprivation and gave us a few weeks to decide on the ‘next step.’

Our experience with caregivers has been mostly positive but we quickly realized that there would be at least 3 people involved to cover the 7 days each week. So far 2 have not worked out: one that slept through most of the night and another that one parent disliked (strongly). We realized that the care givers rarely work with their peers (so no cross training or collaboration on unusual situations) and supervision was not apparent. The role of the company they work for seems to be primarily scheduling of services. And the services are expensive.

It has enables us to sleep through the night but the days have been fraught with home health appointmentss (nurse visits, physical therapy, occupational therapy, speech therapy, virtual doctor visits). There have been two medication changes – both with positive results. My sister and I have gotten very efficient at preparing thickened liquids and appropriately elevating the hospital bed to avoid aspiration of fluid in the lungs of our parent that was hospitalized. Other upheavals have piled on too: Carrollton’s replacement of a sewer line at the edge of the property, a plumbing problem that caused the only bathroom in the house with a door wide enough for a walker to get through to be unusable for about 24 hours, required fall yard maintenance, Thanksgiving celebration…and preparation for Christmas. There is always something that needs to be done that we can’t quite find time to do.

We researched assisted living options…at first thinking that they would be a back up plan but deciding that they should be the 1st choice based on our experience by early December and that the form that would probably be more suited for my parents would be a group home rather than a larger facility. We found one that had been created in a renovated house in their neighborhood for 6 people. We visited the facility and liked it. They had 1 opening at the time. Then they told us that there would be a second opening by the end of December (one of the residents being moved to a facility with a higher level of care) and that the largest room (the one that had been the master bedroom in the original house) was going to be available. We started the application process.

The initial discussion about assisted living and the specific place we were looking at seriously went as expected. One agreed to keep an open mind…the other had a visceral reaction and didn’t want to consider any other option than staying in the house they have lived in for 33 years. We scheduled a visit to the assisted living home…hoping that we could encourage both  parents to be in information gathering mode and ask a lot of questions.

The day of the tour arrived…one parent had already decided that assisted living was the way to go, the other was still thinking it was not. Neither asked questions on the tour but looked around eagerly. One was completely exhausted by the outing but confirmed their idea that moving was best. The other became convinced (and upset) that they were going to be losing the house they called home for 33 years and moving to the assisted living place.

We are proceeding with the process toward assisted living. There are many ways that it could fall apart…but as I write this post we are on track…planning to make the move in January.

Stay tuned for our continuing journey ramping up elder care….

Previous posts: November 2023, November 2023 update